Lynne Berrett

I would like you to consider some serious questions about your goals.

When I say I want to help you do “whatever it takes” to reach your goals, I make that offer within a specific context and ethical framework.  Reaching worthwhile goals takes effort. That’s why I strongly advocate your taking some time to evaluate the meaning and value of the ones you are choosing to work toward.  Time is too precious to expend on goals that don’t truly enrich your life.

One of my favorite goal-setting paradigms comes from the great Jewish sage Hillel. I’m sure it will sound familiar to you. It goes like this:

If I am not for myself, who will be for me?

If I am only for myself, what am I?

If not now, when?

These three simple questions, if properly understood and answered, can produce the true wealth of meaningful happiness, as defined by researchers in Positive Psychology, the scientific study of happiness.

Each question contains the seed of much larger ideas, and each question is also inextricably connected to the others. The gestalt (whole) that comes from contemplating the 3 questions together is what I find so inspiring. Here is my attempt to give you the big picture for your own contemplation and inspiration:

If I am not for myself, who will be for me?

I see this as saying that our first step is to recognize and celebrate our personal strengths. Many of us were taught as children that modesty and humility are the greatest virtues. In fact, they are among the 24 core human strengths listed as Character Strengths and Virtues by positive psychologists.* But they are not among the 5 most associated with meaningful happiness.  Those 5 are:  the ability to love and be loved, curiosity, zest or positive energy, optimism, and gratitude.

Too often, over-valuing modesty and humility leads to the belief that it is boastful–even worse, selfish–to openly acknowledge other powerful strengths within ourselves. However, if we don’t allow ourselves to acknowledge them, it will be much harder to use them to increase our well being.  Their value ultimately lies in their use. Why? For one thing, using your particular strengths is like using any muscles; they get stronger as you exercise them in a variety of ways. You get healthier as a result.

As for the second part of the question: applying your strengths to life makes you more visible to others. Think about it. When you see people who are openly comfortable with their own good qualities and abilities, don’t you feel a certain confidence in their judgments? Don’t they often motivate you to do and be more? Aren’t you drawn to them?

Why shouldn’t you be the inspiring person for yourself and others too?

If I am only for myself, what am I?

This leads organically from the first question. The beauty of giving yourself permission to recognize and celebrate your own strengths through using them is that you will naturally develop reserves of energy to help others as well as yourself.  Strengths energize us, as the British positive psychologist Alex Linley, likes to say.

We have more to give to others and we want to do that. I believe this is a basic human quality–generosity– which springs from feelings of gratitude for the inner gifts we have been given. It’s really comforting to discover how very much we can rely on our own strengths; they actually make it easier for us to stay connected to others. The ability to act on this felt sense that “other people matter” is central to human happiness, according to Chris Peterson, co-author of Character Strengths and Virtues.  It is a signature strength of our humanity. By the way, I also believe that “other creatures matter” is another important sign of our humanity.

If not now, when?

This goes to the heart of the reality springing from the 2 questions above: we have finite lives, whether we are healthy or ill.

We need to Identify our strengths; we need to use them both for ourselves and others so that we continue to grow and develop throughout our time on earth. This is the true “Now” we need to learn to live in fully. If not now–when will we do it? Why would we wait?

All of the above are action steps. All lie at the heart of any meaningful coaching. Our commitment to ourselves is central, yet must absolutely be connected to our commitment to others.  Either one, if not linked to the other, becomes destructive.

Selfishness and selflessness are extreme states. Maybe what we’re talking about here is Self-ness:  a full sense of self in the world that must be lived from moment to moment.

Don’t you agree that these 3 questions hold a world of possibilities? I’ve barely scratched the surface. If you disagree with me-or agree–please leave a comment! How does this play out in your life? How will thinking about this affect a of your goals for the coming year?

*If you click on this link, you can take the free VIA survey of strengths and contribute to the ongoing research. In exchange you will get a free listing of your strengths in rank order, an essential tool for your growth.

The good news is that we’re all generally living longer, in better health than our parents. The good news is that many of us have more financial and personal resources than our parents had after the age of fifty. The great challenge is how to use this extra time and energy in ways that truly enhance our lives.

I know of a man who owned a manufacturing plant for many years. The work was demanding and so, although he was very successful, he was happy to retire when he turned 65. At first he and his wife traveled and played golf all over the world.
But after a couple of years he turned to her and said, “Is this all there is?” He still had tremendous drive, but nowhere to channel it. Through coaching he began to explore the question: what did he want to do–not with the whole rest of his life but with, say, the next 5 years?

Read the rest of this entry »

Side note: What is a “Virtual” Coach, you ask? Well, we may not be talking in person, but we can still have a meeting of minds in cyberspace, can’t we? As you continue to read what I write, I hope you will feel stimulated to explore and pursue the kind of life that has true sustainability for you. I hope you will come upon some new ideas that will help you fulfill your heart’s visions. I hope you will hear me speaking to you in a very personal voice and will want to start a dialog here.

Why did I decide to become a coach? I truly have what some people call a passion for helping people through coaching. Passion is not the term I use, however, because “passion” has its root in the idea of suffering. Instead, what I feel for this work is joy, which is akin to the word jewel (according to the Oxford English Dictionary, no less).

Yes, of course change takes hard work and time, but the effort feels very different when you harness it to evocative words like joy and jewel rather than suffering, doesn’t it?

So let’s have some fun, in the spirit of all holidays, by giving the reindeer on Santa’s sleigh second names and imagining your sleigh being pulled by them toward the life you want in the coming year.

Read the rest of this entry »

What do you want most for yourself?

If it’s to develop an outer life that is truly congruent with your inner sense of what’s right for you, it’s never too early–or late–to start this process.

I believe strongly that this process should be fun!

Here’s a way to start: Read the rest of this entry »

I deliberately chose the name W.I.T. (Whatever It Takes) to describe my approach to coaching for several reasons that I think might be useful for you to know.

First of all, the word WIT conveys the natural smile in my voice that seeks to encourage others to find and utilize their own sense of humor. Over and over again I have found gentle humor in myself and clients to be indispensable for maintaining optimism and perspective, especially in the face of adversity. Stefan Klein, in The Science of Mind, a book I have found stimulating on many levels, talks about the positive physiological changes that occur when we simply smile. When we go further and actually develop thoughts that focus on a humorous facet of a difficult situation, we promote the growth of new brain cells and stimulate powerful endorphins. Read the rest of this entry »

The other book I have found useful for writers and other coaching clients is Bill O’Hanlon’s new book, Write Is A Verb.

I’ve been a reader of Bill’s work for a long time, have studied Positive Psychology with him, and always find his approach and personal energy stimulating.

He has come up with a neat way to describe the different energies that can fuel writing (and most other positive accomplishments and changes in people’s lives):

The 4 sources of energy come from feeling blissed, blessed, dissed, and pissed. (Don’t you love it?) Read the rest of this entry »

I coach writers a lot and am always looking for articles and books that explore, teach, inspire them to understand what might be slowing them down or stopping them from completing their work. Most of the information I come across is as applicable to my other coaching clients who are, say, making career changes or life transitions as to writers.

Recently, for example, I read two books that are filled with specific ideas that will help anyone who is having trouble trying to fulfill a meaningful goal. I’ll focus in this post on what Mary Pipher, in her book Writing to Change the World, calls the “inner demons” that afflict many people when they merely think about doing something new and risky. Read the rest of this entry »

Visualizations and guided imagery are time-honored ways to do forms of meditation that work for many people in many situations. But as I said before, we’re not all alike, and even for ourselves it pays to have a treasure box full of different techniques to call on when we’re stressed.

I thought about that this morning as I sat in the dentist chair and had my gums gouged and teeth scraped, all in the name of keeping as many in my head as possible for as long as possible. Read the rest of this entry »

I was talking to a friend the other day and was reminded of the importance of learning a number of different ways to harness normal anxiety.

She was recalling a major operation she underwent a few years ago. To prepare for it, she explored Eastern and Western methods for decreasing anxiety. She was surprised to find how much they helped her through that difficult time. She still uses techniques she learned then, when other stresses come up in her life now, ranging from work pressures to family conflicts.

You don’t have to be faced with an operation or serious illness to experience debilitating anxiety. Many stresses in our lives–good as well as bad stresses, I should point out–arouse the feeling. Read the rest of this entry »

If you could do anything you wanted, do you know what you would choose?

Many people don’t. They know they want some kind of change in their lives. They’re tired of the same-old same-old. But when I ask them what they want, they often can’t tell me. As someone said recently, ruefully, “However, I can tell you what I don’t want to do.” Read the rest of this entry »