I would like you to consider some serious questions about your goals.
When I say I want to help you do “whatever it takes” to reach your goals, I make that offer within a specific context and ethical framework. Reaching worthwhile goals takes effort. That’s why I strongly advocate your taking some time to evaluate the meaning and value of the ones you are choosing to work toward. Time is too precious to expend on goals that don’t truly enrich your life.
One of my favorite goal-setting paradigms comes from the great Jewish sage Hillel. I’m sure it will sound familiar to you. It goes like this:
If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am only for myself, what am I?
If not now, when?
These three simple questions, if properly understood and answered, can produce the true wealth of meaningful happiness, as defined by researchers in Positive Psychology, the scientific study of happiness.
Each question contains the seed of much larger ideas, and each question is also inextricably connected to the others. The gestalt (whole) that comes from contemplating the 3 questions together is what I find so inspiring. Here is my attempt to give you the big picture for your own contemplation and inspiration:
If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
I see this as saying that our first step is to recognize and celebrate our personal strengths. Many of us were taught as children that modesty and humility are the greatest virtues. In fact, they are among the 24 core human strengths listed as Character Strengths and Virtues by positive psychologists.* But they are not among the 5 most associated with meaningful happiness. Those 5 are: the ability to love and be loved, curiosity, zest or positive energy, optimism, and gratitude.
Too often, over-valuing modesty and humility leads to the belief that it is boastful–even worse, selfish–to openly acknowledge other powerful strengths within ourselves. However, if we don’t allow ourselves to acknowledge them, it will be much harder to use them to increase our well being. Their value ultimately lies in their use. Why? For one thing, using your particular strengths is like using any muscles; they get stronger as you exercise them in a variety of ways. You get healthier as a result.
As for the second part of the question: applying your strengths to life makes you more visible to others. Think about it. When you see people who are openly comfortable with their own good qualities and abilities, don’t you feel a certain confidence in their judgments? Don’t they often motivate you to do and be more? Aren’t you drawn to them?
Why shouldn’t you be the inspiring person for yourself and others too?
If I am only for myself, what am I?
This leads organically from the first question. The beauty of giving yourself permission to recognize and celebrate your own strengths through using them is that you will naturally develop reserves of energy to help others as well as yourself. Strengths energize us, as the British positive psychologist Alex Linley, likes to say.
We have more to give to others and we want to do that. I believe this is a basic human quality–generosity– which springs from feelings of gratitude for the inner gifts we have been given. It’s really comforting to discover how very much we can rely on our own strengths; they actually make it easier for us to stay connected to others. The ability to act on this felt sense that “other people matter” is central to human happiness, according to Chris Peterson, co-author of Character Strengths and Virtues. It is a signature strength of our humanity. By the way, I also believe that “other creatures matter” is another important sign of our humanity.
If not now, when?
This goes to the heart of the reality springing from the 2 questions above: we have finite lives, whether we are healthy or ill.
We need to Identify our strengths; we need to use them both for ourselves and others so that we continue to grow and develop throughout our time on earth. This is the true “Now” we need to learn to live in fully. If not now–when will we do it? Why would we wait?
All of the above are action steps. All lie at the heart of any meaningful coaching. Our commitment to ourselves is central, yet must absolutely be connected to our commitment to others. Either one, if not linked to the other, becomes destructive.
Selfishness and selflessness are extreme states. Maybe what we’re talking about here is Self-ness: a full sense of self in the world that must be lived from moment to moment.
Don’t you agree that these 3 questions hold a world of possibilities? I’ve barely scratched the surface. If you disagree with me-or agree–please leave a comment! How does this play out in your life? How will thinking about this affect all of your goals for the coming year?
*If you click on this link, you can take the free VIA survey of strengths and contribute to the ongoing research. In exchange you will get a free listing of your strengths in rank order, an essential tool for your growth.
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