I know of a man who owned a manufacturing plant for many years. The work was demanding and so, although he was very successful, he was happy to retire when he turned 65. At first he and his wife traveled and played golf all over the world.
But after a couple of years he turned to her and said, “Is this all there is?” He still had tremendous drive, but nowhere to channel it. Through coaching he began to explore the question: what did he want to do–not with the whole rest of his life but with, say, the next 5 years?

He had grown up at a time when people did the same work for most of their lives. While they might change jobs, they didn’t often change professions or trades or businesses. So it took some effort for him to wrap his mind around the idea, for example, that even doctors today might very well decide to turn their backs on medicine in mid-career and become investment consultants or musicians, just because they want a different kind of life. In other words, changing course is now considered a normal option, not just a sign of failure.

When he became willing to look at his current life from the broadest possible perspective, he saw that there were aspects of it he had never developed because they weren’t “practical.” He was introduced to current research about the major elements that contribute most to human happiness over the long haul. All this stimulated him to experiment with a variety of activities he had never thought about doing before. Just trying them out energized him, he found, and encouraged him to expand beyond old self-imposed limitations. His goal became to learn to do new things without feeling that he had to stick with any one of them–very different from his original mindset.

At different points in life, it is natural and right to set different goals. In fact, I would say doing so demonstrates health and the ability to grow. I think of a friend in his mid 70’s who spent years running his own business as a medical writer. When he retired from that in his late 60’s, he decided to earn a captain’s license. Now he moves boats up and down the East Coast for their owners–when he chooses to. He has trouble saying no because he enjoys doing it so much.

The idea that life proceeds in growth stages which don’t end with middle adulthood, but continue until either our bodies or minds give out completely, is relatively new. Even in extreme old age, with the proper interventions, functioning can improve. I see this with a relative in her late eighties who has severe dementia. As a dementia specialist works with her, her eyes are becoming more focused and she is more responsive to us. Others see a positive change in her too.

What is the message here? That we can keep growing. That we must keep growing if we want to retain our powers for as long as possible. That we should review our lives periodically and ask ourselves what skills and interests and parts of our inner life we might want to develop. Those kinds of questions can best help us decide what we should do next: that is, what specific directions to explore that will be new to us or that will challenge us in new ways.

It’s an exciting way to view your future, yes? That’s the way it can be to live it, too.

Why did I decide to become a coach? I truly have what some people call a passion for helping people through coaching. Passion is not the term I use, however, because “passion” has its root in the idea of suffering. Instead, what I feel for this work is joy, which is akin to the word jewel (according to the Oxford English Dictionary, no less).

Yes, of course change takes hard work and time, but the effort feels very different when you harness it to evocative words like joy and jewel rather than suffering, doesn’t it?

So let’s have some fun, in the spirit of all holidays, by giving the reindeer on Santa’s sleigh second names and imagining your sleigh being pulled by them toward the life you want in the coming year.

Tape this on your wall for future inspiration and to keep a holiday spirit all year long:

Dasher is the leader of the pack, Curiosity, which keeps you learning new things and open to new ideas. The brain is nourished by novelty.

Dancer is the Creativity sparked when you start to contemplate change, which becomes self-generating as you go through the change process and provides pleasure along the way.

Prancer is the Humor and Playfulness that lighten effort.

Vixen is the Zest and Energy for life and your goals, the fuel you run on.

Cupid is the Loving Relationship between you and others that will support you on your path. This is a basic human need that nourishes everyone.

Comet is Hope and Optimism, your belief in a good future for yourself and others. It motivates you to stay the course when you hit obstacles.

Donner is your deep appreciation for the world’s gifts to you–the sense of Gratitude that supports so many of your other positive emotions.

Blitzen is the last reindeer, the one nearest to you on the sleigh; this is your Persistence over time. Even though you haven’t reached all your goals, you still hold to your vision–or else you wouldn’t have read this far!

To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall: dash away, dash away, dash away all!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM LYNNE @ COACHING WITH W.I.T.

If it’s to develop an outer life that is truly congruent with your inner sense of what’s right for you, it’s never too early–or late–to start this process.

I believe strongly that this process should be fun!

Here’s a way to start:

1. First of all, buy yourself a beautiful notebook/journal (The Daily Planner offers many beautiful notebooks) and a writing implement that fits comfortably in your hand. I’ve discovered that it doesn’t have to be an expensive pen; in fact I prefer a mechanical pencil because I like to be able to erase as I go and I don’t need a pencil sharpener.

2. Second, paste a photo of your face as it is now inside the front cover of the journal.
Spend several minutes admiring your eyes particularly. Notice the intelligence and humor and, yes, even wisdom in them. You wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t intelligent. And you haven’t come this far in life without having developed a sense of humor and some wisdom. Acknowledge and appreciate these qualities in your Self.

3. Then, on the journal’s first page write down all the good experiences you wish for this Self now and in the future.
Don’t stint on the wishes and describe them in detail. You can have more than three. In fact, if you can’t think of many right now, leave space–a page or two–to fill in as time passes. You’ll get better at this with practice. Wishing well for yourself is not such a common or easy thing.

P.S. Make at least half the wishes non-material items. You can have your yacht, but also include many, many things for your spirit.

4. Star, circle, or otherwise highlight the wish you would like to focus on first. Use a color that you love to reflect the excitement you feel about this wish.

5. Open yourself to wondering how this wish will be fulfilled. You don’t need to know; you just need to stay curious as to how it will happen.

I’m not recommending voodoo, or even white magic, with the steps I’m suggesting here. I”m just offering a powerful–and perhaps new–way for you to relate to your own wishes and unconscious Self.

Throughout our lives, many of us are so outward-facing that we don’t truly see ourselves, let alone appreciate what we see. We are experts in criticizing the way we look and focusing on our flaws and deficits. Many people, men and women, hate to look at photos of themselves. We also don’t tend to concentrate on getting our needs met, with so many other people depending on us. Many of us are trained to be black belts in self-denial.

But that leaves us incomplete as human beings, because we don’t give ourselves the time to think about how we want to be and what we want for our inner Self.

It’s as if we assume that at some future point we will suddenly become more self-accepting and free to be ourselves without ever having allowed ourselves to consider those options. That’s much more like magical thinking than anything I’m suggesting.

You can try this…but will you do it?

For many of us, it means changing an ingrained set of habits and a fixed mindset.

Here’s my proposal: try the 5 steps I’ve listed and notice what happens inside and out side of you.

As you use your imagination to contemplate a possible change in your way of being–some would say your place in the universe–you are opening to new possibilities. Be interested in what that feels like.

As you use your journal to write about it, you are bringing a whole extra dimension to the process, connecting mind to body. Write about all your feelings and your whole experience.

As you refrain from censoring or censuring your Self, you are creating space to find out what your inner voice is saying when you are willing to listen to it. Record what you hear so you can use this information in a whole variety of new ways I’ll talk about in future posts.

Have fun with this!

First of all, the word WIT conveys the natural smile in my voice that seeks to encourage others to find and utilize their own sense of humor. Over and over again I have found gentle humor in myself and clients to be indispensable for maintaining optimism and perspective, especially in the face of adversity. Stefan Klein, in The Science of Mind, a book I have found stimulating on many levels, talks about the positive physiological changes that occur when we simply smile. When we go further and actually develop thoughts that focus on a humorous facet of a difficult situation, we promote the growth of new brain cells and stimulate powerful endorphins.

I want to clearly distinguish what I’m referring to here: not true tragedy but rather what most of us are faced with daily–situations that are “Hopeless but Not Serious,” as Paul Watzlawick calls them in his insightful book–that is, ineffectual ways of thinking and the deleterious effects they have on us.

WIT also refers to “native wit” or intuitive intelligence, another quality I help clients identify in themselves and use to greater advantage than they have It’s surprising how many times people do not recognize their own gifts and skills. It’s always a pleasure to “see” light bulbs go off when recognition occurs. (”See” is metaphorical since I do most coaching over the phone; but the change I can hear in someone’s voice is equivalent to seeing their eyes light up.)

Finally, WIT is an acronym for Whatever It Takes, a statement of determination and the willingness to develop a vision and then find practical ways to make it happen over time. Tom Wolfe called this The Right Stuff, remember? As Stefan Klein says about happiness, success, and other good things: we human beings don’t always focus on them naturally. We’re still watching for that tiger at the mouth of the cave.

That’s why people often benefit from coaching. It can help them retrain their brains to better profit from the every-growing body of knowledge coming from research in Neuroscience and Positive Psychology. This research is exciting in many ways.

For example, it suggests that we can develop new abilities, no matter how old we are. The aging brain is not a dying brain!
It also offers us a different kind of mirror for our sense of self, one where we can more clearly identify our innate strengths and then practice using them in novel ways. This has been shown to dramatically increase a sense of competence and well-being.

A popular magazine that you might enjoy reading to learn more about these ideas is Scientific American Mind, which has well-written articles that will keep you up to date on recent findings from brain/mind research. I love reading about new ideas and using them for my clients’ benefit as well as my own.

That is, I’m also committed to doing Whatever It Takes to be the best coach I can be for the people I have the honor to work with.

I’ve been a reader of Bill’s work for a long time, have studied Positive Psychology with him, and always find his approach and personal energy stimulating.

He has come up with a neat way to describe the different energies that can fuel writing (and most other positive accomplishments and changes in people’s lives):

The 4 sources of energy come from feeling blissed, blessed, dissed, and pissed. (Don’t you love it?)

Simply put, feeling blissed means that you’re in touch with the inner passion you feel for your project or the change you desire. That leads to flow.

When you feel blessed, you are in touch with important external help and encouragement–a mentor or a cheerleader or perhaps a support group. The writing support groups I run create this kind of feeling.

These are the positive energies that can propel you into realizing your dreams.

But–and this is interesting–negative energies can be useful too. Bill must have read William Blake’s poetry!

For example, when you feel dissed, you have probably experienced rejection or disrespect or even a loss. If your response to this adversity is to say, “I’ll show you!” and you set out to prove yourself in the face of disbelief and things you don’t have control over, that energy actually has a positive effect by working for you.

And when you feel pissed, because you’re faced with situations that inspire indignation and you speak out or do something to protest, you’re channeling your anger toward righting a wrong. That releases what is ultimately positive energy in you too.

In all these cases, you take action to achieve a meaningful goal. And this turns out to be one of the key factors contributing to the most enduring human happiness. So, whether you are a writer–and Bill has a lot of great information for you, if you are–or want to make a meaningful change in your life, these ideas are starting points on that journey.

Recently, for example, I read two books that are filled with specific ideas that will help anyone who is having trouble trying to fulfill a meaningful goal. I’ll focus in this post on what Mary Pipher, in her book Writing to Change the World, calls the “inner demons” that afflict many people when they merely think about doing something new and risky.

Doing means you will be seen and thus be open to criticism–sometimes just for asserting yourself. And we’ve all certainly read book and movie and music reviews that take great glee in attacking what is being reviewed. Who wants to deal with that? Or with family and friends who express doubt about your desire to make a change or who openly disapprove of it?

According to Pipher, these demons are not so much blocks as internal pressures that interfere with moving forward. Her own personal demon, she says, is anxiety.

Here are some of the ways she has found to conquer her demon, which I have modified to fit anyone who wants to make difficult changes more easily:

1. keep a log of the minutes or hours you put into your project every day, and conscientiously put in time and effort, even if only you know you’re doing it

2. stop when you feel you’ve reached a particularly satisfying point–come up with a new idea, however sketchy, for example–so you can start the next day on a high note

3. start the day by writing in a journal or leafing through books on your subject, then doing a few business-related things before turning to your project itself–make a gentle transition into work

4. work on a variety of projects so that you can move from one to another according to your mental energy; that way you don’t feel stuck on any one thing, which tends to increase anxiety

5. face your internal critic, tell it to calm down, write out all its criticisms until they get absurd enough so that you have to laugh at them; paradoxically, Pipher says, letting the critic speak actually quiets it for her and gives her more space to work.

Her best advice? “Stewing in our own stress is not a good way to handle difficulty. Action ameliorates anxiety.”

Over and over again, that’s what we need to recognize, isn’t it?

I thought about that this morning as I sat in the dentist chair and had my gums gouged and teeth scraped, all in the name of keeping as many in my head as possible for as long as possible.

I’ve been going to a dentist since I was seven years old. My earliest “teeth” memories are of climbing up steep, narrow steps in terror, dreading the pain that waited at the top behind that dark door. No wonder I can’t sit through horror movies!

Most of the younger generation, thankfully, don’t have this kind of experience built into their nervous system, because dentistry has progressed so far. But I know personally that there are still young people who react to the dental chair with unreasoning panic.

For them I’d like to recommend trying accupressure techniques I’ve been using since 1998, when I got extensive training in TFT (Thought Field Therapy). I now use a simpler method called EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) that seems to work quite well with many forms of anxiety.

You can easily learn the sequence of tapping by following the modified directions in bold below, taken from Gary Craig’s free manual available on his website (click here).

During the first go-round, every time you tap on an area, think about your fears, keeping them clearly in mind. Sometimes, surprisingly, this in itself reduces the anxiety around them. OR, if it works better for you, start with the next instruction instead, omitting this first step. Find out what works.

Do a second round of tapping in sequence, and this time use reminder phrases at each point you tap on. Here are some examples: “I can choose to relax about this.” “I am safe.” “I can relax and release now.” “I can be comfortable right now.” You can repeat some of them or add others that come to you.

Repeat these phrases to yourself and keep tapping in new rounds for as long as you need to. Usually your body will respond and work with you to decrease your tension.

After you’ve practiced by actual tapping on your body and know where the points are, try this: as you are sitting in the dentist chair or doctors office visualize yourself tapping on these points and feel the imagined pressure as you do. Silently say, as you mentally tap each point, “I can relax.” “I am safe and comfortable.” “I can release,” etc.

In my case this has worked beautifully not only today at the dentist but also when I had a nuclear stress test where my nose was literally inches from the scanner for 20 minutes at a time. The first time I had a Cat scan, I had a full-blown panic attack. The second time, I used tapping from the get-go and sailed through.

A client of mine recently had a body cast made for special radiation, which took several hours. The staff couldn’t believe how calm she was in spite of not being able to move. They thought she had gone to sleep. “No,” she said, “I was tapping.”

Here are the instructions:

From Gary Craig’s manual:

Tapping tips: You can tap with either hand but it is usually more convenient to do so with your dominant hand (e.g. right hand if you are right handed).

Tap with the fingertips of your index finger and middle finger. This covers a little larger area than just tapping with one fingertip and allows you to cover the tapping points more easily.

Tap solidly but never so hard as to hurt or bruise yourself.

Tap about 7 times on each of the tapping points. I say about 7 times because you will be repeating a “reminder phrase” while tapping and it will be difficult to count at the same time.

If you are a little over or a little under 7 (5 to 9, for example) that will be sufficient.

Most of the tapping points exist on either side of the body. It doesn’t matter which side you use nor does it matter if you switch sides during The Sequence. For example, you can tap under your right eye and, later in The Sequence, tap under your left arm.

The points: Each energy meridian has two end points. For the purposes of The Basic Recipe, you need only tap on one end to balance out any disruptions that may exist in it. These end points are near the surface of the body and are thus more readily accessed than other points along the meridians that may be more deeply buried. What
follows are instructions on how to locate the end points of those meridians that are important to The Basic Recipe. Taken together….and done in the order presented….they form The Sequence.

**At the beginning of the eyebrow, just above and to one side of the nose.

**On the bone bordering the outside corner of the eye.

**On the bone under an eye about 1 inch below your pupil.

**On the small area between the bottom of your nose and the top of your upper lip.

**Midway between the point of your chin and the bottom of your lower lip. Even though it is not directly on the point of the chin, we call it the chin point because it is descriptive enough for people to understand easily.

**The junction where the sternum (breastbone), collarbone and the first rib meet. To locate it, first place your forefinger on the U-shaped notch at the top of the breastbone (about where a man would knot his tie). From the bottom of the U, move your forefinger down toward the navel 1 inch and then go to the left (or right) 1 inch.
It is at the beginning of the collarbone and we call it the collarbone point because that is a lot easier to say than “the junction where the sternum (breastbone), collarbone and the first rib meet.”

**On the side of the body, at a point even with the nipple (for men) or in the middle of the bra strap (for women). It is about 4 inches below the armpit.

**On the outside edge of your thumb at a point even
with the base of the thumbnail.

*On the side of your index finger (the side facing your thumb) at a point even with the base of the fingernail.

**On the side of your middle finger (the side closest to your thumb) at a point even with the base of the fingernail.

**On the inside of your baby finger (the side closest to your thumb) at a point even
with the base of the fingernail.

**The last point is the karate chop point. It is located in the middle of the fleshy part on the outside of the hand between the top of the wrist bone and the base of the baby finger.

Please notice that these tapping points proceed down the body. That is, each tapping point is below the one before it. That should make it a snap to memorize. A few trips through it and it should be yours forever.

She was recalling a major operation she underwent a few years ago. To prepare for it, she explored Eastern and Western methods for decreasing anxiety. She was surprised to find how much they helped her through that difficult time. She still uses techniques she learned then, when other stresses come up in her life now, ranging from work pressures to family conflicts.

You don’t have to be faced with an operation or serious illness to experience debilitating anxiety. Many stresses in our lives–good as well as bad stresses, I should point out–arouse the feeling.

While a limited amount of anxiety can actually bring you to the top of your game, sharpening your mind and reflexes, too much of it quickly overwhelms the nervous system.

Over the years I have taught many people to calm their nervous systems through testing out a variety of approaches. We treat each method as an experiment that may or may not work.

None of them are invasive or dangerous, but in stress reduction as in almost everything else, there are “different strokes for different folks.” So there’s a certain element of uncertainty that can add some interest and excitement to the process.

Some of these methods are simple to describe in writing. Others are a bit more complex and benefit from pictures to refer to. But let’s start with a very basic idea, similar to the one my friend has found so useful over time: anchoring to images that remind us of positive experiences.

This isn’t as easy as it sounds, for many people. Strange as it seems, we aren’t strongly wired to retain good memories. So don’t feel there is something wrong with you if a connection to a highly pleasant internal picture doesn’t immediately manifest itself.

Waiting until you are in the midst of a crisis before learning how to do this won’t work, so start practicing now.

You can try this activity sitting or standing or lying down, whatever position gives you the best ability to focus and find a scene that you associate with well-being and good times, a picture that draws you in and holds your interest.

Find something active in the scene and follow it with your eyes, guiding the action and keeping it going.

Here’s an example. There’s a beautiful pasture in the nature preserve where I often walk. It’s on a hill, open to the sky. Several horses graze there peacefully, but every so often they all start running back and forth from one end of the pasture to the other.

One begins and the others follow. They wheel and chase each other around the perimeters of the wooden fence. They form figure eights. They seem tireless in their play. Watching them run, seeing their muscles move effortlessly, sensing their exuberance makes me feel intensely alive.

So when I need to chill out, I bring up this memory and “watch” the horses until I feel calmer. If I need more time out, I change the direction and the patterns of their running and keep watching. I’m absorbed in the rhythms of their movements and my own body begins to mimic them.

There are many ways to use imagery and visualization to combat the human tendency to focus on pain, fear, and negative predictions. When you have a dream or project that is daunting, it’s all too common to find yourself paralyzed by anxiety. That’s the moment to interrupt the negative pattern of paralysis by letting the horses of your imagination run free and so free you to move forward again.

Many people don’t. They know they want some kind of change in their lives. They’re tired of the same-old same-old. But when I ask them what they want, they often can’t tell me. As someone said recently, ruefully, “However, I can tell you what I don’t want to do.”

The unconscious has trouble with negatives. So, thinking about what you don’t want has the effect there of focusing your inner attention on exactly what you are trying to avoid and leaving little space for more constructive thoughts.

Generating creative new ideas, thinking outside the box–these are hopeful terms we use to describe what we’d like to be able to do consistently. But it’s not always easy on your own.

That’s why mentoring and its modern equivalent, coaching, have always been so important to successful people. Having a trained eye available to you, someone who can challenge and support you to take mental risks and action, is an invaluable resource.

If you want to make a substantive change in your life

If you have a goal you want to pursue

If you want to increase your level of well-being as you grow in years.

I would like to help you do “whatever it takes” to get where you want to go, do what you want to do, be what you want to be.